GHOST HOUSE UNDERGROUND:
DARK FLOORS
10/10/08
I truly am one of the biggest fans of the
horror genre, and I usually am at least entertained by even
the dumbest B movie, low-budget slasher film, with all its
gratuitous violence and dismembered corpses, but if ever
there was a cheap product marketing ploy, this is it. The
product being the ultra hard rock band Lordi, who makes
KISS’s makeup look like face painting at a kid’s party. This
group is hard-core rock, with the sci-fi / horror image,
being that they all look like they stepped out of some
demonic nightmare. Apparently someone had the bright idea to
turn this band’s image into a full length horror film, but
what they actually got was something that resembles a long
version of one of their theatrical music videos, but making
much less sense. I have seen a few of their music videos,
and they are actually pretty good and entertaining and the
music, I am surprised to say, is quite good, but I have no
idea what they were thinking with this film. It felt like it
really wanted to be something good, but it just fell flat
because at the end of it all, it just made no sense
whatsoever, and I was left in practically the same place as
when the movie started, only a lot more frustrated because
several times throughout the movie, I thought I understood
and was beginning to get it, but then the movie continues
and I realized that I didn’t. Then, the movie finally ended
and the fist words out of my mouth were, “Huh?” I’ve never
been so confused or dissatisfied with a movie, and I kept
thinking of the movie for days after, trying to figure it
out, but now it dawns on me that this “film” effort was
nothing more that a sophisticated, artful way to plug their
band and exploit their image to try and make a buck. If
anyone did understand this movie, and can tell me what the
heck it was all for, please fill me in. My brain would be
eternally grateful.
The whole movie centers around this sick little girl, I
think they were trying to imply autism, but they are never
really specific, but she is very repetitive, withdrawn, and
disconnected with reality. She carries around this sketch
pad with crayon, and there are contact views of this pad
with creepy and scary creatures and events that she
supposedly sketched, and the father gets frustrated with his
and the hospitals powerlessness to make the child any
better. After a particularly frightening reaction in the
hospital’s cat scan, the father decides to remove her, and
in doing so the become trapped in an elevator with a few
other people. When they finally get out, the scene that
greats them is both horrific and unexplainable. First they
are witness, to the hospital’s complete desertion, but as
the film drags along they come in contact with everything
from mutilated bodies to zombies, but of course the main
evil they meat, the “main monsters” of this film are non
other than out features rockers, the band “Lordi” in full
makeup and terrifying the surviving group. Pity is that’s
where the movie stops making sense. Why the monsters are
there, or how they relate to the sick girl is never
established or clarified, but the scenes they create inside
the hospital are surprisingly creepy and dark, and the cast
of unknowns did surprisingly well with what they had. It
would have worked, had the film had any kind of sequential
and clear cut storyline and/or script. Please save yourself
the brain cells and skip this one, but do listen to and
watch their music videos, they are actually much better than
the film, no comparison.
Review By Helen
helen@smartcine.com
VIDEO:
Widescreen (1.78:1)
AUDIO:
English 5.1 Dolby Digital
Subtitles - English Spanish
SPECIAL FEATURES:
Interviews/Dark Floors World Premiere with live performance
by Lordi:
Press Conference with media interviewing both the cast
and crew of the movie as well as the rock band “Lordi”, and
a short concert by Lori afterward
Behind the Scenes : Behind
the scenes look at the film with images of how some of the
better scenes were shot as well as a short conversation with
the actress that plays the sick little girl, and some of her
real drawings of the cast and Lordi.
Music Videos by Lordi “Hard Rock Hallelujah” and
“Would You Love a Monsterman”: Two Lordi music
videos, both videos are really good, both visually and
musically. This is the best part of the entire DVD and the
only part I recommend watching.
Audio commentary with Director Pete Riski and Lordi
RATING BREAK DOWN:
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